I lost sleep over this last night...
I couldn't sleep due to this huge (preggo) mom guilt.
I felt horrible about what happened yesterday.
You see, after a long day of work and with Halie not listening, I just lost all patience with her.
Let me recap what happened and why I lost sleep over it.
I went to go pick up Halie from daycare. She saw me pull up and excitedly, she jumped up and down shouting "umma umma!" BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. As we got in the car, she didn't want anything to do with going home. She kept pointing to her daycare and saying "I want to play." I let her know that all the kids went home and it's time for her to go home too. OH BOY, she threw a fit. She refused to get in her car seat and no toy would comfort her. She then grabbed a photobooth photo she took with Han and I, (from the toy box she has in the car) and rather than looking at it, she threw it on to the ground. When I had asked her to pick it up, she did her snappy "no". She's having her moment. She is now standing on the sidewalk refusing to get in the car.
After few seconds, I asked her again and even reasoned with her... dinner, toys at home, etc.
Nothing was getting this girl to get back in the car. That's when I lost it.
I said "Halie, if you're not listening to umma and don't want to go home then umma is going to home by herself." Then, I walked over to the driver's side and stood there, watching my babygirl mean muggn' me. one... two... three... "WAHHHHHHHH, ummmaaaaaaa"
Tears rolled down her face and a rush of mommy guilt flooded my inside.
It's not like I was going to really go home, but I genuinely scared my baby. *sigh
I ran back, embraced her, and said "I'm sorry, I love you".
She repeated the same phrases "Sorry umma, I love you." gah- mommy guilt x100.
I think she was having nightmares about it repeatedly because she woke up twice, looking and screaming for me. Each time, her heart was pounding super fast and all she wanted to know was that I'm here and that I didn't leave her. I did my best to comfort her, repeatedly assuring her "umma's here, umma loves you. umma won't leave you."
My days with (only) Halie is limited and as each day passes by, I have a bigger sense of preggo mom guilt. I am snappier and less patient as I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy (feeling a lot of pressure down there, but praying for this baby to come on/near her due date). I feel sad that I won't be able to give her endless hugs and play kitchen or legos with her as often as she asks for. I feel like I'm forcing her to grow up. But somehow, I need to be able to trust that God will allow me to continue to show all the love and understanding that she needs and wants. And that she will forgive me and love her baby sister, too.