I am... (not Moana)

When you have a toddler who's obsessed with Moana, that's the only thing you watch and hear all day every day. So once again, please excuse the cheesy silly title connection.

I've been going through a mild case of identity crisis/reflection lately and the only song that'd play in my head is Moana... I'm amazed that such a young girl at her age can identify and know her role and calling in life, and partially jealous of it. I want to be able to shout at the top of my lungs, I AM JULIE LEE but sometimes, more often than not, I stumble whether or not it's "worth" proclaiming.

Here's two reasons why:
1. "Han's wife, Julie"
Please don't get me wrong- I am happily married to my husband of almost five (!!!!!) years and really, he puts the sparks in my day and night. But one of the hardest things I had to learn and adjust to was/is being dependent and submissive (as the Bible so calls the wives to be). I loved being miss independent sassy jules... Looking back, I put on that miss independent pants to brave the "loneliness" so it definitely one hundred percent feels better to know that I'm never lonely and have someone who whole-heartily loves me. But having to be identified as "Han's wife, Julie" was and is still a challenge. It feels as if people don't know me pre-Han and/or my life only matters post-Han. I know it's so silly (because that's totally not true) but I'm still learning and adapting to being a submissive wife, which is probably why sometimes, it's so hard for me to be identified as someone's wife and not just oh, this is Julie.

2. Halie & Janie's mom, Julie
This is probably the most selfish identity crisis because really, if Han puts the sparks in my day and night, my two girls are the reason why there is a day and night. Being a mom is so much fun, challenging without a doubt, but so humbling and refining. But let's be real, there is no break once you become a mom. Your body isn't yours, your thoughts are constantly kids-centered, your money is spent all on them- even if you walked into that store to get something for yourself, and your schedule revolves around their schedule. And then, your group of friends slowly start to change- especially if you're the first of your friends to get married/have kids. You're suddenly left to the challenge of making mommy friends but mommy friends who have similar lifestyle, virtues & beliefs, potential husband buddies, and similar age as your own kids. OMG, the factors to consider when making friends have exponentially grown as a mommy! And once you've come across and made some mommy friends, you're referred to as oh, Halie's mom/Janie's mom... catch the drift? Really, nothing to do with the kids other than that they're the point of reference when you're being introduced... but it just stings sometimes. I want to be oh, this is Julie- she's Halie and Janie's mom.


So then, as silly as this is to admit, I went through an entire week just moping around and being sad about "losing" my identity, or atleast not being known as Julie first. But after a refreshing and much needed girl talk with two dear sisters, I walked away realizing this...

My identity shouldn't and isn't based on me anyway.
I am only who I am because of God and my walk with Christ. Because He lives and is true, I exist and my life has a meaning. I am not Julie first, but God's daughter first. I am His beloved Julie and specially chosen (by Him, not the ocean) to (not sail across the sea but) be the wife of Han and mother to Halie and Janie. 

So, next time Halie listens to Moana, here's my version- 

I am a girl who loves my family
I'm the girl who's loved by Him
He calls me
I am the daughter of the almighty God
We are chosen for His Kingdom
Who found their calling in this world
They call me
I am Han's wife of 5 years
We will journey farther
I am everything I've learned and more
Still it calls me
And the call doesn't stop there, there's more inside me
mother of Halie and Janie
I will carry you here in my heart you'll remind me
That come what may
I know who I am
I am Julie Lee! 

my husband, the sparks to my day and night 

my husband, the sparks to my day and night 

my children, my day and night 

my children, my day and night